Aren't you scared?

Well, we've made it to December! December is my least favorite month. Christmas isn't exactly my favorite holiday either. I never had a bad Christmas in my life, so it doesn't stem from that. I just feel that when I sit down and think about what Christmas really is "supposed" to mean it becomes depressing to me. It's like we're supposed to be happy...we have to be happy. What if I don't want to be happy...all of the time..especially Christmas time?

When I think of Christmas all the unfortunate people come to mind, the lost and departed souls, those hurting, homeless people, and students of mine/children who are less fortunate, people in hospitals, those with out family, and so on. Sure, I've always had my family, more than enough presents, my health, and good company. So, you're probably asking why am I so bitter towards Christmas? Well, this year will mark just another reason(s) why this time of month saddens me more than uplifts me. I already came into this holiday season knowing that it would be hard for my husband's family because of the recent passing of my mother-in-law, and now my family has to cope with the emotions of having a "sick" daughter, sister, spouse, and in-law.

Vanessa is due for the her fourth round of chemo on Dec. 14th or 15th. It's a short stay. It's her B Cycle. She had suffered from ocular toxicity on this round last time.  I'm hoping she fairs well with this round of chemo, so she is not in any discomfort for Christmas. She will be home for Christmas though!

This past weekend I spent Saturday & part of Sunday with her at her home. My mom had stumbled upon a blog of another female, who was young, and have ALL PH+. My mom kept advising that she not read it because she feared it would scare Vanessa. Towards the end of Saturday night my mom ended up showing Vanessa the blog. Vanessa was immediately engulfed in what this girl had to say. I was reading along side her, and some of the things this other girl encountered sounded horrific. I was scared and I'm not even going through what this girl did. Trying to choke back tears I asked Vanessa, "Aren't you scared?". She replied with a firm NO and a smile! I give my sister so much credit and merit for being as brave as she is!

Once I returned home from Vanessa's house, I had a package waiting for me on my front porch. It was the book that I ordered:

It's Good to Know a Miracle: Dani's Story: One Family's Struggle with Leukemia 

I started reading my new book when I crawled into bed last night. Certain parts are almost verbatim to what Vanessa encountered even though Dani, the patient, has AML.  As I continued on reading, there were moments when I would have to take deep breathes because I was going to cry. After about 30 min of reading I put the book down, hugged Paul, and we both cried. I cried because I'm scared of what's to come. Paul cried because of what has happened...